Emotions

I know I have talked about this to death on my blog... but it is my blog and it has been a rough couple of weeks. We did IUI #5 on the 30th of March and on Friday the 13th I got my period. I was devastated. I thought for sure that I was pregnant, but I was just playing head games with myself.

We have one more vial left in storage and the wifey has decided we need to take a break after this last try. This will be IUI #6. I never thought we would get this far into the process. But here we are.

Today, I had my clomid check and my follicles all look good. We are going to try something different this round and on the day of my positive OPK I am going to have a ultrasound instead of waiting till the next day.

So we are on to IUI #6 and I have mixed emotions. I have been very sad recently because of this process... the roller coaster it takes you on and the break we may have to take. The thought of taking a break hurts my heart so bad. I've been waiting so long to get to this point and now to be here and then have to take break is devastating.

Well, I need to think positive about this upcoming IUI. Maybe it will work as I should be getting the positive OPK around my birthday and we will inseminate the day before or the day of my birthday and this year is the big 3-0.

Tonight I have acupuncture and tomorrow I start clomid and the next two week wait till the insemination.

Dogs, Acupuncture and Ovulation

Good Morning Blog World!!! Today is my Friday and I can't wait to start my 3 day weekend. I am not doing anything fun... but work has been stressful and I am looking forward to having the day off. Tomorrow I have an acupuncture appointment in the morning. I've not done acupuncture since we tried last October (IUI #2) because of the cost. But my parents so generously agreed to pay and I thought it could not hurt to try it again. I love my acupuncturist and am excited to go tomorrow. Acupuncture is almost as relaxing to me as a massage... almost!!!

Then after the appointment I am going to hang out with my grandmother who has been at my house all week watching Jake because he broke his toe a month ago and two weeks ago decided it would be fun to eat the bandaging off. So, to avoid 9 hours in a cone my grandma has been staying with him. But she is getting ready to have a hip replacement so Monday he will be alone and in a cone.

Besides this weekend potentially being the start of another TWW we are getting a foster dog. Wifey and I love German Shepherd dogs and we got both our dogs from the Greater California German Shepherd Rescue. They are always in need of foster homes and we've fostered once and failed once... so we thought we would try again. We fostered a dog back in May and he was adopted in about 3 weeks of us having him and then we went on to foster Jake in September. We had him for a month and half and after 2 adoption days and little interest we decided he was ours and we could never part with his sweet soul. I never wanted two dogs but Jake was too good to let go. So we failed on our second foster attempt. Roseville only allows homeowners to have 3 dogs and trust me I do not want 3 permanent dogs living with me. The hair is bad enough but I am willing to foster on and off. So we told the rescue we would take another dog. We were suppose to pick him up tomorrow morning but they called and said someone was coming to look at him so they would let us know after the visit in the late morning. Which actually worked out great because I was going to have to leave him right away to go to acupuncture. I am sure if he is adopted we will get a different one.

So, as I said early I've been stressed out. I am under a major deadline at work and have so much to do my head is spinning and then we are getting ready for IUI #5. I should ovulate tomorrow or Saturday. The one thing that stresses me the most with TTC is the timing. I've never charted and strictly rely on OPK's and I am not sure if that is something I should do? I know I ovulate and can get pregnant but the timing always stresses me out. So I am now using OPK and waiting for + to show I am about to ovulate.

Am I crazy or what... getting another dog this weekend, TTC and meet deadlines at work? I hope the stress does not alter my body. I am usually always stressed about TTC but I have been feeling a little more tense because of work. Well, we will just have to wait and see what happens.

Sorry for rambling. I have way too many thoughts in my head.

One last thing before I go... this morning before work I was browsing Pinterest and found this darling picture. I told wifey when we have our baby I am going to have a photo like this taking. I love giraffe's and we already have one stuffed giraffe in the would be nursery waiting for our baby. How precious is this.

Image via Pinterest

You have to have faith

This journey has taught me so much. I have learned I am stronger than I ever thought, I am a private person with my true emotions... sure I cry in front of my family, but my true feelings are stored in a locked bottle deep inside me and that I am fascinated with how our bodies work. I have not learned patience. I am an instant gratification person... when I want something I want it NOW. This process has not worked like that and I tend to loose faith. I get down and wonder if this will ever happen.

Last night while watching "The Little Couple" that I recorded I was reminded how lucky I am to even be trying to carry my own child and that I have to have faith that what ever is meant to be will be. The Little Couple lost their baby late last summer when their surrogate miscarried. They were devastated by the loss but they are willing to try again and our so positive about the process. They are also pursuing adoption as they work with their surrogate. They are such an inspiration to me... they have overcome so much and face more challenges than I can imagine. I admire them so much and wish them all the best in their journey.

Thank you Little Couple for reminding me how blessed I am and that during any journey I need to keep faith and be positive about the what ever outcome life deals me!!!

2 Week Increments

TTC is such a journey and you live your life in 2 week increments. 2 weeks between the your period and the + on the OPK and then the 2 weeks between the IUI and the expected day of your period. It is awful, life during both of these two weeks are a roller coaster of emotions, hopes and dreams.

I did not blog during our last TWW because I was not sure about my feelings or wanting to document that time. I was excited to be able to try again, but sad that we were at this again. I had high hopes for that try considering they say you are very fertile after a miscarriage. Well, it was a no go for us and we are on to round 5 and some days I wonder if I will ever get pregnant. The Wifey is so positive about life and truly lives as the book the Secret describes and would be upset with me over this comment... me on the other hand... I tend to be more negative.

Yesterday, I went in to the RE's office to get my clomid... they want me to continue because they believe I respond to it. I am not sure if I agree but the Wifey is hesitant to try injectables. She does not want multiples and I really can't blame her... that would be overwhelming and really cause a financial burden on us. But I am desperate to get pregnant (maybe that's the problem). I turn 30 next month and have always wanted to have a child prior to turning 30. But this may not be in the cards for me. I truly hope I respond well to the clomid this month. I took it last night and maybe my mind is playing tricks with me, but I feel moody, exhausted and bloated. The hot flashes never went away from last months try.

I have an acupuncture appointment scheduled too for this next round... so my fingers and toes are crossed that I will get my BFP before my 30th birthday. Wish me luck!!!

Emotions

TTC is such an emotional roller coaster.. We are back in the game and I have mixed feelings about it. We bought a new baby dad and feel really good about him. In fact our clinic let's us keep 3 vials in house for 6 months. So, while I hope this go around will be a one hit wonder we did buy 3.

So my period after the miscarriage was right on time and we went back to the clinic to get clomid which is what I took the last time I got pregnant. So on day 3 of my cycle I started it and tomorrow is 14 days. I've been using OPK's but no positives yet. I am thinking Wednesday or Thursday will be our day.

I am having mixed feelings about it... excited and sad. Sad because we should not be at this point already. I should be 4 months pregnant and getting ready to find out the sex of the baby. Excited that I still get to do this and try again. I've decided I need to be EXCITED and ready to make this happen. I know good things are in our future.

I miss you Mya

Not that I have any readers... but to chronicle my life today I will tell you about Mya and what happen one year ago.

Mya was our beautiful German Shepherd (GSD). All my life I knew I want a GSD, when I was young and lived at my grandparents house we had a GSD named Sam and I thought he was just the best. So, finally college was over, Wifey had finished and it just seemed like the right time. So after asking the landlord and then finally convincing the wifey to go look at puppies in the papers we went. We saw some white GSD's but they did not spark my fancy and then we went to the ghetto and there were the cutest little GSD puppies ever. And 2 other couples looking at them as well. I had a chubby puppy in my hands when I felt teeth around my ankle... ouch one of the puppies bit me. Wifey said immediately that she wanted that one. Okay but what about the fat one... I liked the fluffy one... she said no she wanted the feisty one. Okay, but we needed cash. I did not want to leave my fur baby behind. So, Wifey went and got the cash and we took our new baby to Petsmart. She farted all the way there out of nervousness. But so began our lives together. She was a fiesty puppy but all the new things and experiences were so much fun!! She got very sick a few days after getting her and she had to be hospitalized -- it felt so horrible leaving my baby at the dogie hospital; but she got better.

Mya was not perfect but she was our baby; sweet as pie to us but a stranger better watch out because she was 90 pounds of pure GSD.

Well, 4 years into our lives she stopped eating and was drinking more water. This was very uncommon because Mys LOVED to eat (more than I do). She was eating her dinner at odd hours or not at all. So I thought she had a stomach bug and bought her cottage cheese. Well, she started eating again. A week later I stopped the cottage cheese and she stopped eating... I thought she was just playing us to get the cottage cheese. But wifey insisted we take her to the vet.

We went to the vet and he said she looked good. I then asked him about two small marbles I felt in her neck and if that was normal. He checked and then got concerned. After checking other parts of her body he thought she either had an infection or cancer. What cancer... he said he had to do a biopsy to be sure. He took her into the back room (under light sedation -- LOVE our vet that he makes the pets comfortable). A few moments later they were back and he said he was 90% sure it was cancer after looking at her spleen. What how could this happen she's only 4 years old.

We cried all the way home... I was not ready to loose my fur baby. So we started researching and got a second opinion. There was no cure for her type of cancer; only treatment and after reading about it we opted to make her life as comfortable as possible till the end.

She was diagnosed on October 28, 2010 and lived till January 28, 2011. We decided her comfort level was lowering and we did not want her to suffer. She got chick fil a chicken nuggets and then went to be more comfortable. This was one of the hardest days of my life and I miss Mya everyday... no one will ever be here. She was the best GSD ever.

Mya will remain in our hearts forever and because of her we have rescued 2 dogs from the Greater California German Shepherd Rescue and continue to support them and possible foster more dogs.

We love you Mya!!!

It's been so long and so much has happened...(LONG Post)

I can't believe I have not posted since July. So, I had my blood work done and I have an under active thyroid. Great. So, before we can move along with the process I have to get my thyroid under control. My TSH was at 5.something... anyhow I read that it has to be between 1 and 2. The specialist disagrees. I am put on medication and wait.

I had blood drawn in September and it was lower... specialist says we can try to get pregnant. Wifey and I order sperm and we have our first IUI and BFN. October comes around... our donor had limited supply so we choose another baby daddy. This time we bought 2 vials. I wanted to do back to back IUI's but 2 doctors (at Kaiser) say that it does not really increase the percentage of getting a BFP. So, I decide to do one IUI. The two week wait (TWW) is killer and my period is one day late by the home pregnancy test (HPT) say I am not pregnant... aunt flo comes and we get our second BFN. But we still had one vial left and am excited for November. The day I ovulate happens to be a vacation day and I had plans to shop with my mom. So, Wifey and I go in for IUI #3 on November 4, 2011 and my mom waits in the waiting room. (I had a false positive OPK -- on Wednesday... Thursday an ultrasound where doctor says I look good and should ovulate in 24 hours... Friday another +OPK).

After IUI #3 my mom and I go shopping and that afternoon I have some brown discharge. That has never happened before. Again the TWW was so difficult. I took a HPT at work on 11DPO and a faint line came up... but I did not believe it and went on way thinking I was not pregnant. My period is like clock work 28 - 30 day cycles... usually 30 days. 30th day came... no period - could it be?? After spending time with wifey's God Daughter we went by the dollar store and bought 2 HPT.

The next morning (November 20, 2011) we did one and in complete disbelief it said we were pregnant. I could not believe it. After shock, excitement and nagging... wifey and I went to get a Clear Blue Easy + or - test. The plus appeared. I was still in shock. Monday morning came... it was my day off so I called the doctor's office for a blood test. Had the blood drawn and waited 24 hours. 24 hours later it was confirmed we were pregnant and my beta was in the 150 range. So excited I called OBGYN and I had an appointment on the 5th of December. Again a day my mom and I were going shopping.

I had figured it out that I should be about 5 weeks at my first appointment. We went in and had the lovely internal ultrasound. We saw the gestational sak and the yolk sak but nothing else. The Nurse Practitioner who I did not really care for said it was probably too early and knew nothing about IUI. I was disappointed and thought we'd see more. So I googled 5 week ultrasound and they look like ours. So I was relieved and excited for our next appointment on December 23rd. I was going to see our baby for Christmas.

On December 23rd we went to our appointment full of hope and excitement. The baby grew we saw what looked like a little fetal pole but no heartbeat. The doctor finally measured the baby and said we were 6 weeks which was off from my calculation of 8. The EDD was 8/17/12 but from what I googled I thought the EDD was 7/29/12. I asked the doctor but she knew nothing about IUI and could not explain anything to me. She said she was hopeful since we saw growth and checked with another doctor. He said he saw growth too. I was so disappointed to not get answers and to not see the heartbeat. My heart was sad. But I was trying to have faith that it was just too soon still.

Our third appointment was on January 9, 2012. I went in believing I would see the heartbeat and all my worries would go away. Although my motherly instinct said something was wrong. And sure enough the baby had actually gotten smaller and there was no heartbeat. After consulting a doctor the Nurse Practitioner confirmed the baby had stopped developing and called it a missed abortion. My heart broke in so many pieces that day. My worst fear had come true... we were experiencing a miscarriage.

We were given options and after much thought we went with the D&C on January 12... just 6 days ago. My heart still hurts and I find myself in tears more than I would like... but I know it will get better and I am thankful we get to try again.

So, here we are today... January 18th and I have never wanted my period to come more than now. I believe we have to wait 2 periods and make sure they are normal and I ovulate before we can try... but I am anxious and can't wait to have a healthy pregnancy and bring home a healthy baby!!!

2011 did not start off good... but it got better and we finally decided to have a family. 2012 did not start off well either... but my hope is it will get better and I believe we will be pregnant this year!!

Sorry for the long post... but so much has happened and I needed to share it.